Conventional approaches assume that children who are picky eaters or who refuse to eat, need coercion, rewards, and/or punishment in order to learn to eat. If you have a baby or child who is challenging you, take a minute to consider a different approach.
First, humans eat because we are hungry. And we also eat because we are tempted, thirsty, tired, hot or cold. We eat because we enjoy eating in each other's company. Families and friends grow and buy food together, prepare it together and eat it together and it feels good to do so.
The task of eating should be divided into two areas of responsibility. The first belongs to the parent. The second to the child.
It is up to the parent to provide pleasant and predictable eating breaks with a mix of nutritious meals and snacks. It is also the parent's responsibility to not let children have anything except water between those times. By observing how a child behaves you can determine if they need more frequent meals or higher calorie foods to sustain them until the next snack or meal time.
The child's responsibility is to eat. When a parent does their part, children eat the amount they need and they enjoy the food their parents eat. They select a varied diet and eat meals in quantities that fill their stomach, but not uncomfortably. With this approach, children eat, learn how to enjoy eating and behave at meals by modeling the example set by their parents. They will grow according to their body type and genetics.
A breastfed baby is exposed to flavors from the food their mother eats.
This means food tastes familiar when solids are introduced. In addition, breastfed babies control how much they eat. Breasts do not have ounce markings and each feed varies from another. With a breastfed baby, parents learns that babies decide how much to eat and this skill continues when food and meals replace breastfeeding.
For formula-fed babies, the many flavors and textures available in a family's diet can take some getting used to. This lack of familiarity is often confused with "disliking a food." Disliking a food is certainly a real thing. We can all name things we really like and also flavors or textures that are intolerable. But a child who falls into the category of "picky eater is more likely demonstrating unfamiliarity with a food. Over time, negative associations with food, parent over-involvement and/or how meals happen, complicate how children choose foods.
Another reason they may dislike eating certain foods is that they lack skill in chewing, moving food around in their mouth, or swallowing without gagging. Purees are intended for babies under 6 months. By the middle of the first year, babies are ready for chewing and gumming semi-soft and chunky solid food. This develops the muscles in the tongue, cheeks, and jaw and allows a natural and timely progression to chewier foods with a variety of moisture and texture.
When food is consistently offered, mealtimes are pleasant and there is no pressure to eat,
children tend to follow the parent's lead and eat what is available on the table. Children eat well when they are comfortable at family meals, and are in control of what goes into their mouth, and when. Without prompting, they will broaden their diet by watching what adults eat and gauging for themselves if they need more of one food, or another.
If a child won't eat, there is nothing to be done except to confirm that they don't want any more and remove the food. Forcing a child to eat by putting the spoon in their mouth and forcing them to eat certain foods sets up a power and control dynamic. You can't tell how hungry your child is, or isn't.
Children vary greatly with how much they need to eat.
One side effect of bottle feeding is the greater risk of obesity because a baby is pressured to finish a bottle even when they have signaled they are done. Estimating calories and portions can overestimate or underestimate what a child needs to thrive. It can also increase the child’s discomfort in relation to eating. Over time, pressure to eat makes a child eat less and restricting food, makes a child eat more.
When parents use negative actions such as warning, punishing, and withholding attention, they make children feel ashamed and upset rather than positive and comfortable. If you step back and evaluate your behavior, are there things that make you feel uncomfortable? Are there things you say about your child eating that you would feel uncomfortable saying to a stranger or another adult?
Praise, compliments or rewards for eating, or not eating, add an unhealthy aspect to eating!
Eating is pleasurable in itself, and requires no reward other than the feelings of satiation and enjoyment. Children feel the same pleasure and enjoyment as adults in eating good food, in good company. In addition, they take pride in mastering levels of eating. Graduating from hands to utensils, remembering to use a napkin, and having good table manners are a source of pride for children. They realize they are growing and mastering adult tasks and feel pride in doing so.
