Emotional abuse is considered by many experts to be most lethal form of abuse. It leaves no marks and yet cripples us in ways that are long lasting and hard to change. It is a fairly new interpretation of abuse and in fact, many parents in the US rely on these strategies to make their children behave.
How do you know the difference between healthy and unhealthy interactions?
Here are a few unhealthy/abusive strategies that you may have experienced from your parents, or even your spouse:
Ghosting or giving a cold shoulder removes affection, which is a foundation of intimate relationship, so you are manipulated into giving them all your attention in hopes of winning back intimacy.
Blackmail is a strategy to get you to do certain things that are against who you are, and what you stand for, in fear of being exposed in a shameful light.
Ultimatums are when someone threatens you to "do this or else" something intended to hurt or cause pain will happen. There is no negotiation and the deadline is immediate. Your safest option is to comply.
No privacy means there's no freedom to be with others and no opportunity to have a private life. Partners may demand passwords and account details. They may insist you spend all your time with them.
Alienation and isolation is when you are being told who to associate with or be friends with, especially if you are forced to stay away from your family or forced to choose between two people you love.
Each of these strategies has been used by parents to force children to comply with what the parent wants without regards for what the child needs. In some instances, it really is a matter of life and death that causes the parent to use an unhealthy strategy. But more often it is just unconscious re-use of what we know and were taught as children.
So what are healthier options?
When you feel like withdrawing your affection because your child is acting awful, consider that they may feel troubled, unloved and need your affection now, more than ever. Tell them you love them and want to be with them. Help them to figure out what they really need instead of acting out and blaming you for all their problems.
Remove blame and shame from your language. Things happen, and there is no need to establish "who dunnit." Nor is there a reason to shame your child in front of others. What is healthier is to express your feelings about their actions or behavior. You may feel hurt or afraid. You may feel sad or embarrassed. They feel these too and listening to their feelings will build your relationship instead of tearing it apart.
Prevent ultimatums by keeping fewer toys and a looser schedule--one that allows for error and slower-paced childlike thinking. Make sure you keep your kids informed of your timeline with reminders. And when you say it's time to go, don't make them wait for one last 10 minute adult conversation. Walk the talk!
Kids are entitled to privacy. They should have a space and a place that is just theirs. They should have lots of unscheduled time to play, think and dream. They must also be protected from predators, therefore phones and online passwords should not be private. Privacy is different from secrecy. A child who is squirrelly and secretive may need less privacy and more affection and connection.
Every parent comes face-to-face with a kid they can't stand and who is a bad influence on their child. Sometimes, it is our own prejudices based on our privilege and/or upbringing and the friendship is a valuable one for both. And sometimes, kids have to learn the hard way about back-stabbers and bullies. It is vital to keep conversations neutral and flowing about the friend unless you see your child needs adult help. Friendship is one thing, but being enticed into illegal or harmful activities may require clear and loving limits and saying "Absolutely not!"
Times are changing and there is more information available on healthy emotional and mental relationships. It takes self-awareness and changing habits. Parents can often benefit from therapy and education about healthy ways to raise kids. If you were raised to never make mistakes, it may be hard to model respect for your child by apologizing when you mess up, but you will see the results in more affection and attention from your kids.
