We begin relationships in a state of love. It's easy to put our less than desirable personal habits and actions to one side when we are newly in love. And, we idealize the other, sure that this is the one that will be our one true love, our perfect partner and we will live, of course, happily ever after.
And as time goes on, we find all is not as we thought. Over time we both relax into our normal, imperfect selves. Any relationship has stressors that are unavoidable, and those that are avoidable with mindfulness and caring for the other. If we are compatible in habits, we live in a relative easiness. Inevitably though, stresses pop the love bubble and we become irritated, even angry at our formerly, perfect partner.
Guessing and wishing seldom works.
Disappointment over needs and wants that have gone unexpressed, or expressed in a negative way, will cause an unhappy relationship. in other words, if you need or want something, you have to tell the other.
All of us have things we need such as harmony, security and safety and things we want like date nights, a new car, and our partner to be perfect.
A good relationship needs communication and safety to negotiate the big and little things that drive you nuts. Good relationships require both parties to care about the other and be willing to make accommodations for each other. If you don't have this, it's a red flag to move on.
Start to define your "terms of endearment."
Discussing your needs and wants can help you agree to clear boundaries in a "good fences make good neighbors" way. With friends, co-workers and adult siblings, you always have time and distance to lessen the pressure of relating well. Your partner is there every day as a mirror reflecting your not-so-perfect habits and communications. (or non-communications!)
Whether you're in a marriage or a long-term relationship, defining what you need and what you expect from the other will give you both more freedom and ease. You won't have to wonder, or walk on eggshells. It's less likely you will have to do without, or suck it up.
Make a list of needs and wants.
Needs are things you can't live without, like a home and money in the bank.
For instance, if you are living in his old studio apartment with your toddler and a new baby, a bigger home is a need. If you are living paycheck to paycheck, then higher paying jobs and/or joint money management is a need. They can be intangible things too, like harmony and security. A peaceful home is not just a "nice to have" thing!
Wants are nice things to have, and there are times you have to compromise or do without them. Needs that aren't being met will separate couples but it's lack of communication around your wants that cause day-to-day irritation and unhappiness and eventually "falling out of love."
If you hate that he dresses nicely for the office and you only see his 20 year-old Phish T-shirts, put it on the want list. And if it drives you nuts that she constantly retells her drama-queen-friend's dramas and you are her captive audience, put it on the Want List.
Agreements are a good next step
After you have your lists, clarify expectations for each other in your relationship together. Make up a written contract, if you like. This contract will clarify and document those needs and wants that mean a lot to you.
For example, though you hate the beach, you agree there will be one family beach trip that you happily participate in. Or, once a month, your kids will go to Grandma's and you will have a date night.
But what if one of you refuses to agree?
Can it be modified in a way that is acceptable to you? Maybe she won't always be on time but is amenable to time-checks, or false start times, to keep on schedule for important events?
Is there a bigger problem behind their behavior? Maybe he can't quit drinking because he's an alcoholic and needs to come to terms with his disease? Maybe they are incapable of empathy and think only of themselves?
Don't make this mistake.
All relationships require some give and take. If your partner only takes and can't give, it's a red flag for help. Couples therapy can teach you and your partner healthy ways to be more kind and rekindle the spark with each other but can also throw more fuel on the bonfire. Individual therapy is often overlooked when couples are disagreeing, but can be just what everyone needs when one partner is being stubborn.
Our partners require our caring efforts and attention to be happy comfortable people around us. People who happily live together a long time find ways to accommodate each other's quirks, even when they don't like them. They also find ways to show their love and affection for each other no matter what.
